Winnipeg Sun

November 21, 1999

Canada's national saltpetre

Revenue Canada throws cold water on hot sex

By ROSS MCLENNAN -- Winnipeg Sun

What better proof do we need that Canada's tax system has Canadians by the ...

Well, in the interest of good taste, let's employ a classy foreign word rather than its English counterpart ...

What better proof do we need that Canada's tax system has Canadians by the cojones?

A story in yesterday's Sun indicated that whereas six out of 10 American men would take a year of great sex over $10,000, most Canadian men would take the money.

Most Canadians of both sexes, actually.

"I'd take the cash," management consultant Susan Humfryes said. "You can have great sex by yourself these days."

Another woman chose the money over the honey as well. "Most men don't know how to satisfy me anyway," she said.

Maybe do-it-yourselfer Humfryes could give her some tips about how to ease her frustration.

Canadians' preference for filthy lucre over talking dirty appalls psychotherapist Joyce Curry, already knocked for a loop by another poll that said many people would prefer a good night's sleep rather than make love.

"It's perhaps a sad commentary that people's concerns about security and safety override their own vitality," Curry said. "If people believe that, then it's sad. What has sex become to us, nothing?"

Well, yes, it has.

And I'm surprised Curry's so surprised about it.

Why, if I decided to go for help about this problem ...

Oh ... Oh ... Ha, ha.

I'm speaking strictly hypothetically, you understand ... rhetorically, as it were ... the "I" here being a kind of royal or editorial "we" that's meant to represent anybody else who might have such a problem ... not me, personally ... that is, not me in the sense of, well, me ... "I" meaning "you" ... well, not you, necessarily ... "you" in the sense of any of you out there who may have a problem in this regard ... Yes ... I should have used "you" in that sense ...

Much better "you" than "I" when it comes to this problem. So, if you decided to go for help about this problem, you'd be wiser to give Curry a miss and contact California psychotherapist Daphne Rose Kingma, who wasn't at all surprised to learn Canadians prefer cold cash over hot sex.

"I've been to (Canada) a number of times and people always talk about money and taxes," she said. "It's like they have to fight for every dollar."

Exactly. How can such people possibly have sex?

They've tightened their belts so much they can't even get their pants down.

And besides ...

Have you ever figured out how much you pay in taxes on a daily basis? Who's in the mood for sex after being screwed by Revenue Canada every day?

No ... indulging in the wild thing is impossible, what with having to endure smiling Finance Minister Paul Martin and his ever-tightening squeeze day after day.

"Psychologically, that battle makes people feel powerless," Kingma said.

"To get $10,000 would, I believe, be emotionally uplifting for Canadian men and women."

Oh, it would be. It would be.

But make that $10,000 after taxes.

Man, that hurts!

Not tonight dear ... I have a headache.

* * *

According to former CSIS officer Peter Marwitz, the female CSIS agent who left a CD stuffed with secrets in a public phone booth in Toronto in 1996 went unpunished.

"She brazenly defied her challenger, reminding the service that she was a woman and a minority," Marwitz said.

Too bad the woman-as-victim excuse wasn't available to famous First World War spy Mati Hari. They would have given her a promotion instead of shooting her.

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